Death to Ms Sue
by Angel of the Eclipse
Summary: The Anti Mary Sue Story. Warnings for crude humor, mutilated slang, food gore and abundant Tsusoka citrus ::smiles:: A good read for a quick pick me up!
1. Chapter 1

**Death To Ms. Sue**

Angel of the Eclipse

Disclaimer: I own my story and Miss Mary Sue.

Thank you, **Chiharu-san**, my uber editor -hugs- If it weren't for you, my readers would have to read the word breathe as breath, now as know, and relieve as relive. And everyone would know I'm horrid with punctuation! -smiles- -smiles-

**Chapter 1: Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary**

"So, what exactly are your qualifications?" Tatsumi skeptically observed the girl sitting across from him at his desk. He safely maintained an impersonal business distance between himself and the seemingly beautiful, magnetic, talented and charming blonde.

"Well," her smile metaphorically oozed saccharine as she began in a perfectly harmonic voice, "I have teal colored eyes, which are far superior to green, and no faults, physical or otherwise. I have light brown hair that I call blonde, and I can feel people's emotions." She contently chirped out her two-dimensional, uncreative back-story, and a sudden happily surprised smile covered her face as she suddenly recalled a particularly juicy tidbit of her history. "Oh! And I come from a very strict family that was cursed by a snake god!"

"Really?" Tatsumi raised a skeptical, perfectly plucked eyebrow as he glanced suspiciously around his desk, making sure no one had carelessly left Hisoka's file out in the open.

Her fine features darkened solemnly as she leaned over the desk closer to Tatsumi and whispered gravely, "It _could_ have been cursed."

Tatsumi uncharacteristically let slide the briefest of shocked expressions at how incredibly stupid the girl was. "Right… I'm sorry Ms. Sue-"

"Please, call me Mary." Her face brightened again as she sat back in her chair with perfect posture.

"I'm sorry, _Ms. Sue_, but we don't need a new Shinigami, and besides you're not interesting enough. We already have an Empath, and we already have someone with _purple_ eyes. I just don't see what you could offer to our organization," Tatsumi finished nonchalantly as he began to shuffle several papers back inside a folder, indicating that their conversation was over. "Besides, there isn't even a position open. I don't know why you applied, or how you got past security, but we just don't have anyone you can work with at the moment."

"What about those two?" Mary pointed her long, delicate finger out Tatsumi's office door into the Shokan's main office, where Tsuzuki and Hisoka were currently engaged in a small-scale war over inappropriate touching in the workplace. Tsuzuki was presently winning as he had tricked his smaller partner into a physical fight, and therefore was copping as many feels as he could in between dodging punches, scratches, bites, and marker stabs.

Wrestling on the ground, the quarreling pair smashed into the side of their adjoined metal desks as Mary smiled happily, watching them from inside Tatsumi's office. "I'll work with them! Thank you so much, Seiichi-chan!"

Tatsumi shook his head violently, trying to dispel the shock-induced aneurysm that had just formed from witnessing Mary's ludicrous lack of respect for superiors and the ridiculous pet name she had bestowed upon the department secretary. "I just told you that you couldn't work here!" His face was tightened in shocked fury as his tone heightened on the same crescendo as his temper. "How did you even get here? You can't just-" Tatsumi started, but she had already taken off at a happy, idiotic trot toward the grey desks in the next room.

Prancing over to the couple locked in combat on the floor, Mary Sue struck a Victoria's Secret© model's pose in front of them. At her arrival in the room, a perfume that was a lovely mix of lavender, sandalwood, toothpaste, lilac, bubble gum, cucumber-melon, Sharpie© markers, nutmeg, apple pie, new car smell, freesia, sugar, rolled oats, aloe, the Irish country side, raisins, and peppermint wafted through the place.

Tsuzuki suddenly stopped groping the boy beneath him when he saw her standing in front of him in a beautifully coy, lordotic pose. In fact, he completely forgot about his canon infatuation with his partner and instantly fell in love with the rare beauty who had just walked in.

Mary was exactly one inch taller than Hisoka, and had exactly the same color hair, which flowed gracefully down to the small of her back. She didn't wear much make-up: Aside from a shiny pink coating of lip-gloss, she was a complete natural beauty. She had an earthy charm that was apparent in her purple tank top and the cropped denim jacket she wore over it. But the stylish Dolce and Gabbana© low rise jeans she donned showed that she was also sophisticated and--

'_Why the heck does she smell like oatmeal?_' Hisoka eyed her with a nervous scowl, still beneath the suddenly awe-struck Tsuzuki. The boy shivered at the unnaturally ominous vibe that had crowded the room at the girl's arrival. He looked up hopefully to his partner for a little Tsuzuki-like reassurance, but the man was still very much occupied with gawking at the gorgeous female before him.

Tsuzuki's jaw dropped in silent awe and wonder of the fair maiden warmly smiling down at him. Suddenly, birds began to sing, and then _'Loving you, is easy 'cause you're beautiful…'_ started playing in Tsuzuki's head. Along with the mysterious birds and music, a from-out-of-nowhere wind suddenly came through the office to gracefully whip across Mary's trim figure, accentuating and livening her rich, flaxen locks.

However, Hisoka scowled murderously at the girl since the aforementioned wind she had attracted was also doing a mean number on the files he had just completed and set aside neatly in a stack to be put away. He turned his menacing glare back to his partner.

Tsuzuki had the love-at-first-sight instantly knocked out of him as Hisoka gave him a hard whack to the side of his head. "Stop acting out of character, you idiot…" he yelled up at his partner, grabbing the collar of the man's suit. "You want to jump my bones, and mine alone… we'll talk about this later," Hisoka said in an irritable huff as he got to his feet, proudly dusted off and walked up to the girl. "Can I help you, _Ma'am_?" he asked curtly.

She cringed slightly at the elderly implications of the word "Ma'am" but forced her features into a sickeningly cheerful smile regardless. "Yes." she started through a tight, unnatural smile. "Hello. My name is Mary and I'm your new partner." she clasped her hands together over her 32 C sized breasts to show her excitement. She gave Tsuzuki, who was still on the floor nursing his wound, a charming wink.

Hisoka crossed his arms over his chest as he walked in between Mary Sue and his floor-bound partner. He watched the girl for a moment, assessing how insane she must be (careful not to use his empathy, lest his brain explode from moron overload) and said with malicious bluntness, "I already have a partner."

Mary Sue ignored the gruff tone and smiled brighter. "Don't worry. You're both going to be my partners!"

Hisoka rolled his eyes. "Um…" A smug smile was beginning to pull at Hisoka's damned-to-be-scowling-forever mouth. "You might want to square that away with EnmaDaiOh."

Mary just pursed her lips in an exaggeratedly sympathetic pout. "Silly boy," she said in a babying tone as she bent down exactly one inch to his eye level, "my name is Mary Sue, the rules of reality don't apply to me." She nodded in agreement with herself. "Besides, Enma-chan wouldn't mind. Didn't you know? I'm his niece."

Seething at the blatant lack of respect for his god and boss, Hisoka was about to retort and maybe throw some physical violence into the mix, but he suddenly stopped himself when he caught sight of a small green animal that stood cutely behind Mary Sue's perfectly shaped, feminine calves. Hisoka watched it curiously, since it was a heck of a lot more interesting than Mary Sue was, and for some reason, he couldn't be mad at it just because it belonged to Mary. "…What the heck is that?" Hisoka asked dubiously but softly, careful not to scare it. Although the creature looked so sickeningly cute, Hisoka couldn't help but feel an immense sense of pity for it.

"This is Gloria, my favorite Shikigami." Mary smiled joyfully at owning the current center of attention as she jabbered on. "Gloria has the special ability to stay summoned all the time, so she's always with me. And also, she knows every single attack ever made." Mary Sue said happily as she grabbed up the shy mint green fox and placed him proudly in front of her.

Its large black fox eyes fell on Hisoka and watched the boy imploringly. Making puppy dog eyes at him, Gloria gave the Empath a telepathic message that quite clearly and desperately stated, _'I'm just a regular fox! … She dyed my fur, and washed it with an enhancing shampoo and made me extra fluffy! … And I'm a guy, for crying out loud!'_

Startled by the communication, Hisoka immediately looked around wide-eyed to see if anyone else had heard the fox talking before he calmed himself a bit and asked Mary suspiciously, "Are you _sure_ your Shikigami is a girl?" Hisoka eyed the girl with one brow raised in scrutiny.

"Of course I am!" Her perfectly white and straight smile never wavered. "Why else do you think her name is Gloria?" The fox dolefully shook his disturbingly mint-colored head in defeat.

"Uh… Because you named it that." Hisoka stated the obvious with calm viciousness.

"Nonsense," She gave a charming giggle as though Hisoka's opinion was ridiculous. "Gloria told me her name. Didn't I mention that I could talk to all animals?" she said casually, as though it would be obvious that she could communicate with every member of the animal kingdom.

The little mint-puff of a fox looked up at Hisoka, his pitifully large black eyes desperate again as he mentally transmitted, _'Do you see what I have to deal with?'_

Watching the pitiful animal, Hisoka's stomach cramped as an array of sorrowful feelings flew across his emotional sponge of a mind. Despair overload mixed with a longing to comfort the little fox slowly made Hisoka's stomach ache so badly he wanted to hurl, and his growing headache throb so badly that he wanted to do the equivalent of hurling, only with your brain. With a small whine Hisoka clutched his tummy as his legs quivered, threatening his balance.

However, Hisoka suddenly forgot about his weakened knees and his empathy-headache, though his stomach only became more upset, as the boy caught sight of Mary maternally nursing the wound on Tsuzuki's head that Hisoka had given his partner moments earlier. Growling under his breath and clenching his little fists, Hisoka released all the 'this is my territory, get away from my man' pheromones he could muster.

With a malevolent smile, Hisoka and his freshly acquired retch-inducing tummy ache walked over to the girl.

Gloria watched with his bushy green tail flailing in happy anticipation of the inevitable confrontation.

To Be Continued…

A special poem for the reader:

Nothing rhymes

With the letter 'Q'

Except, dear reader:

'Please Review!'

-smiles-


	2. Chapter 2

**Review Responses: **

**PJ Zatken:** Thanks for being my first reviewer, hun -smiles- I'm so glad you like the story so far -smiles-

**The Invisible Fan:** Firstly: your pen name is awesome. Second: Thank you for the review. And Third: Thank you for pinpointing parts you really liked… that helps me out immensely and I really appreciate it -smiles-

**Rev:** Why thank you! -smiles-. And yes, as you can see by this update, I plan to continue this -smiles-

**Rhea Logan: **Thanks for the encouraging review -smiles-. (I actually started writing this because I accidentally read one of those YnM Mary Sues… This story is my shot at a cure to the Mary Sue epidemic that's going around)

**Ine-capa:** Thank you! I had so much fun writing about the way she smelt o.O and I was actually afraid my brand of funny wasn't going to match anyone else's, so I'm glad to hear you approve -smiles-

**TheLoneChicken13:** Thanks for reviewing and telling me what parts struck you as funny! -smiles- I really enjoyed writing this, and it's great to know people enjoy reading it -smiles-

**Yaoi-Hunter:** -blush- I'm very happy that you liked it so much -smiles- -blush- What an enthusiastic review… Something like that really lets me know I should continue. Thank you much. (btw, like The Invisible Fan, your pen name is also awesome.) Without further ado, here's that update…

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Death To Ms. Sue

Angel of the Eclipse

**Warnings:** This chapter contains mentions of other stories on fanfiction .net… but even if you've never read these particular stories, it should make sense for the most part. In any event, the authors are excellent writers and the stories are worth a read if you haven't already -smiles-

**Chapter 2: Two Beds, Two Blokes and a Sheila**

Mary Sue was not only gorgeous, talented, popular and envied by all, but she was also (apparently) infinitely rich. After a rather sizeable donation to the Shokan, Tatsumi warmly welcomed her into the Shinigami family and let her tag along with Tsuzuki and Hisoka on their latest case.

Therefore, the first case with the trio was under way.

Mary proclaimed righteously that she had done the Shokan a great favor by joining up with them and breaking the Shinigami Work In Pairs Rule, because now everyone had _two_ accountability buddies… And since Hisoka had learned on several occasions that it was never a good idea to argue with a crazy person, he and Tsuzuki just prayed that the fieldwork might be a great way for _someone_ to get _herself_ accidentally blown up by a demon or kidnapped by a psycho.

However, much to Hisoka's displeasure, the first day passed with no such luck.

Already in the hotel room for the night, the boy sighed deeply as he secured the last button on his pajama top. He plopped down heavily onto the bed, but was careful not to jostle the mint fox sleeping peacefully on one of the soft pink pillows near the boy's head. He sighed deeply, thinking back on their day and how the girl's constant flirting with Tsuzuki throughout the day had done nothing to alleviate the mounting anger Hisoka was holding against his partner for falling in love with her the day before. However, that didn't mean he would take it out on the green-dyed fox that preferred the boy's company to its master's. Softly stroking behind a fluffy, mint-colored ear, Hisoka hid his content smile in a soft pillow, happy to have someone on his side.

Walking over to the bed Hisoka occupied, Tsuzuki internally whimpered at the mountains of velvety pink cheetah-print pillows that adorned the beds. He knew it was something Mary had requested and he also knew that Tatsumi would find a way to make Tsuzuki cover the wasteful bill out of his own paycheck. He sighed, just wanting to sleep off the exhaustion of the day as he tiredly nudged his younger partner on the shoulder. "Move over."

"Why don't you sleep with Mary? We all know that's what you really want," Hisoka aggressively snapped back with a malicious pout. He turned his back on Tsuzuki, squeezing the fluff out of a pillow with a vice-like hug. The outburst had woken Gloria and the vulpine creature gave Tsuzuki a little growling hiss. The fox padded over to Hisoka and nuzzled the boy's forehead comfortingly in understanding of how infuriating the girl could make any situation.

Unaware at how serious his partner was, Tsuzuki smiled sleepily, "Giving me a better view isn't the best way to get rid of me." He gave the boy's backside a teasingly impish smack.

Hisoka wrathfully grabbed one of the numerous pink pillows and chucked it hard over his back in the direction of Tsuzuki's voice. "Go away!"

"You two shouldn't be fighting," Mary chimed in with a maternal tone, waving a disapproving finger at the pair. Though, said finger wagged ever so slightly more disapprovingly in Hisoka's direction. She smiled like a chimp on crack as she swung her arms around Tsuzuki's neck, only hugging him tighter when he showed signs of a struggle. "Asato just likes me because I'm so popular," She told the small quarrelsome lump on the bed.

Hisoka shook with anger at the first name basis Mary Sue had mysteriously acquired with his partner and snapped back at her as he sat up in bed, "What makes you think you're so popular? I sure as hell don't like you!"

Mary's eyes widened with shock at the crass comment, but she quickly composed herself and proudly raised her freshly smirking head, crossing her arms elegantly across her chest. "I'm known throughout the entire world for my beauty, brains, exaggerated talents, and vomit-inducing perfection. People are always writing about me." She flicked her hair triumphantly with a self-righteous expression.

"Prove it," Hisoka commanded mockingly, calling her ridiculous bluff.

"Fine…" She let go of Tsuzuki and trotted over to her side of the room, taking out her cinema-screen laptop as Tsuzuki sat down on the mattress with Hisoka. Running back to their bed, she forcefully squeezed in between them, giggling at Hisoka's protests.

She set the large laptop down on her perfectly toned thighs. The computer looked amazingly stylish for its size, and was also incredibly light. "It was specially made for me. You see, my father is a--"

"Yeah, whatever, you're stalling." Hisoka threw her several sneers, annoyed that his twin bed now held three people, and that Mary had yet to retract her boisterous comment about her popularity and just tell everyone that she was really an idiot.

Mary gave the boy a disapproving gaze while saying in a babying voice, "Okay, Mr. Grumpy-Puss, here it is." Sitting on the edge of the bed, Tsuzuki and Hisoka wiggled over closer to the screen to read the heading of the website she had just brought up.

"Fanfiction dot net?" Hisoka's mood actually brightened a little at the prospect of mounds of potentially good reading material that he'd never come across before, while Tsuzuki frowned at the prospect of mounds of potentially good reading material that he would now have to read. Tsuzuki pouted at the lack of pictures.

Cheerfully typing out a search, Mary smiled as the results came up on the screen. "See, I told you. 'Mary Sue' shows up in almost every category… You guys aren't very popular, you only show up in one category."

"What? Really?" Tsuzuki suddenly seemed interested and Hisoka scowled at how the man leaned closer into Mary to have a better look at the screen. "Hey you're right!" Tsuzuki chirped as he read the summaries. "What do they say?"

"Lets find out." Mary smiled happily at having the brunet's full attention and cheerfully obeyed.

"Here! Click on this one… it's me and Hisoka." Tsuzuki smudged her flat screen with his excited fingertips and the girl gave an affronted pout that had no affect on the preoccupied man. Mary saw a small smirk on Hisoka's face and she growled as she realized the man's attention to her computer was strictly for Hisoka-related purposes. The boy triumphantly stuck his tongue out at her.

She just smiled and snuggled closer to Tsuzuki "As you wish, Asato." Under the now heavy pile of finger smudges on her monitor, she clicked the link to 'When Death Comes A'Knocking: Book 1 Of Revelations' by 'Under the Oak Tree'.

Taking the mouse from the girl, Tsuzuki started randomly clicking chapters to find places where he and Hisoka were interacting. He suddenly stopped and his mouth fell open stupidly as he read the screen with attentive amazement "Wow… look at this," the man said, suddenly hoarse. Hisoka raised his boyish eyebrows in surprise at Tsuzuki actually liking something with no pictures, and was instantly curious as to what mere text could hold his partner's attention. "Look at all the great sex we're having!" Tsuzuki bellowed loudly with childlike excitement. "And we're married! Hisoka will you marry me?" He asked as he continued to enthusiastically read the screen.

Blushing to the point of imminent nosebleed, Hisoka was mortified to have the smirking Mary Sue sitting in between them and currently reading the story with the same zeal as his partner. Trying to act nonchalant and steer the topic off the suffocating sex-vibe/marriage proposal that was rising in the room, Hisoka clicked through the chapters. He saw Tsuzuki frown as the boy looked resolutely through the story for something else to bring up, like plot development, grammar usage, or-- "Who the heck are Kyo and Takashi?" Hisoka asked as he quirked an inquisitive eyebrow, happy to have found his non-sex topic.

"I don't know." Tsuzuki answered with an uninterested, bland tone, but as he started to read the paragraph, he suddenly perked back up to his normal excited and horny self. "Oh! But it looks like you and me could get some pointers from them…" Tsuzuki said elatedly, as he continued to avidly read the story.

Too mortified by the presence of the third wheel, Hisoka grabbed the mouse and searched for his own story to read on his side of the gargantuan widescreen monitor. He curiously right clicked and hit the 'Open in new Window' command on a fic called 'Blossoms and Blood' by 'lyrebird.' Hisoka stared blankly at the screen, in a state of shock.

"What amazing technique!" Tsuzuki continued, voyeuristically taking mental notes on Kyo and Takashi's sex life. "Look at what they're doing here, I bet we could--" Tsuzuki turned to Hisoka and the man's smile suddenly faded when he saw his partner shaking with rage, reading the story the boy had pulled up for himself. His little lips were twitching in a tight, irrational snarl.

"Hisoka?" Worry claimed Tsuzuki's features as he quickly leaned closer to his partner, accidentally smacking Mary in the jaw with his head. "What's wrong?" Tsuzuki quickly glanced at what the boy was reading.

Cupping her jaw, Mary was eyeing them both fearfully and was intelligent enough to know that her plan of sitting between them wasn't such a good idea after all because her perfectly shaped ear was suddenly screamed in.

"_I can't believe you!_"Hisoka shrieked furiously at his partner. "You did _that_ with _him_ and you _enjoyed_ it!" His childlike features were twisted in a murderous glare.

"What? I would never-!" he said, affronted "Let me see that." Tsuzuki grabbed the mouse back and clicked a few times and found the story 'Umbral Embrace' by the same author.

"Humph! You shouldn't worry about me and Muraki!" Tsuzuki took the offensive. "Looks like you are Tatsumi are doing just fine all by yourselves." He filled the screen with more finger print marks as he pointed with a heated, betrayed pout at his new find.

"What are you talking about?" Hisoka read a particularly incriminating paragraph Tsuzuki had found and blushed violently. _'Can his shadows really do that? … That actually looks fun.' _"That's just ridiculous!" Hisoka ground out to cover his mortification (and interest) of the new story as he raised a fist in warning to his partner.

"Oops!" Mary suddenly interjected. "I forgot! Um, I have to, uh, take a shower now… Here you go." She got up and quickly left them with the computer and their argument.

Tsuzuki and Hisoka glared at each other, watching Mary run into the bathroom out of the corner of their eyes. They waited for the water to start running before they let their expressions turn peaceful.

"What an idiot." Hisoka mumbled unaffectedly toward the bathroom door. Happy to be alone with his partner, Hisoka let slide the anger he stilled harbored toward Tsuzuki for temporarily falling in love with Mary. "You know, we could make her stay in there all night if we just keep pretending to fight loud enough for her to hear over the water."

"No, lets just enjoy the peace while it lasts." Tsuzuki filled the gap between them and snuggled closer to Hisoka, laying them both down on the bed with the lemon-filled computer set out in front of them.

Gloria knew enough to give the lovebirds some alone time, so he hopped down and crossed the floor to where Mary's bag was and proceeded to devour the girl's entire supply of strawberry, green tea, and banana Pocky.

Sticking Post-It notes all over his long-term memory regarding the numerous lemons they had open in different windows on the screen, Tsuzuki gleefully noticed something that would surely prolong their enjoyment. "Hey, 'Under the Oak Tree' has a Yahoo! group that has even more stories that are too racy to be posted. Wanna join?" He gave his partner a suggestive stroke with his elbow along the boy's flank.

Hisoka shrugged, trying to cover his curiosity with indifference. "Sure… but I'm still mad at you."

In the amount of time it took them both to join the group, Mary had been convinced that they were no longer fighting. Therefore, the shower in the bathroom turned off and she came out into the bedroom with nothing but an itsy-bitsy purple towel on that fell just above mid thigh. Both Shinigami were dumbstruck and gawked rudely at the way the (lack of) wet terrycloth clung tight to her perfectly curved feminine body.

"Now, now," she started with mock dignity, smiling at the attention she was receiving. "I know that I'm a very attractive young woman, but I expect you two to be gentlemen, and not to ravish me against my will." She gave little pout as she fell dramatically onto her bed.

Hisoka and Tsuzuki looked at each, and communicating via Hisoka's empathy, the boy mentally muttered under his mental breath, _'Is she honestly this oblivious? Does she think we're into chicks?'_ Tsuzuki sent a message _'Maybe she's really a man?'_

Hisoka snuck a peek at the girl, in the see-everything-because-it's-so-wet-and-falling-off towel, twisting around playfully in her sheets and cuddling her pink cheetah pillows, trying to capture her roommates' attention. Hisoka shivered from the visual scaring the image had caused. The boy was now certain: definitely _not_ a dude.

When Mary got no further response, she sat up with a coy smile as her towel fell lower on her bust line. "I know I turn you both on, but try and restrain yourselves." Her expression was strong and dignified, but it didn't mask the growing exasperation in her voice at the lack of attention.

At a loss, Tsuzuki did the only thing he could think of that would make her leave them alone, and save his relationship with Hisoka: he rammed his tongue down the boy's throat, to which Hisoka only protested to at first because he had been using said throat to breathe with. After switching his respiratory functions to his nose, Hisoka gladly gave into the fervent snog-fest as he happily felt the girl's heartbreak vibing across his empathy.

However, Hisoka's victory was short-lived as his wrist was suddenly snatched up and forced onto something warm, bulbous, and pliant… and rather large. His eyes shot open mid tongue-down-the-throat kiss since he didn't recognized the feel of the flesh as being anything he'd ever felt on Tsuzuki.

"My word, Hisoka! Please stop molesting my breasts!" Mary Sue said in mock anger, shooting the boy sultry looks, as she held firm to his little wrist.

Hisoka shot straight up in mortified frustration, ripping his freshly violated hand away from the she-devil. "_You_ stop molesting _my hand_ with your stupid boob!"

Mary turned her attention to Tsuzuki. "You saw it, Asato. You caught him in the act," she said righteously. "And still he denies it. Once a cheater, always a cheater." She shook her head disapprovingly at the boy.

Unable to handle all the stupidity flying around the room, Hisoka exploded "We're gay, you idiot!" He turned murderous eyes on the girl and pointed to Tsuzuki. "He's a guy, and I find that to be one of his most attractive attributes!"

"That's okay. Didn't I tell you? My strongest magic is my power of seduction; I can effortlessly turn gay men straight and straight women gay!" An insanely pompous glint lit her hideously self-loving eyes as she clenched her fist in triumph. "However, since it is difficult for one as beautiful as me to control such an ability, I have inadvertently used my powers to make you both fall in love with me." She smiled narcissistically. "You will have to fight over me, and vie for my attention in a passionate threesome." She ran her fingers through her long wet hair.

Hisoka's mouth hung open mindlessly in disbelief. Shaking his head slightly to relieve the shock that had settled there, he furrowed his brow and continued in a composed, contemplative tone, "That sounds like a good idea…" His calm tone was at odds with the vein on his forehead pumping aggressively as he continued with a murderous hiss, "On the condition that_ you stay out of it!_" His little fists shook at his sides with the venomous power of his words.

Trying to suppress an excited grin, Tsuzuki was simply sitting back and joyfully watching his partner fight so passionately for him.

Dimwittedly unaffected by the boy's tone, Mary placed a contemplative, French-manicured fingernail to her lips. "…But that's just a twosome," she said slowly with a crease in her brow, as though she was just beginning to understand some very bad news.

"That's right!" Hisoka said in mock enthusiasm, though it just made him look insane when mixed with his current state of fury.

She pouted at all the rejection she was receiving. "Well, can I at least watch?"

"Sure!" Tsuzuki chimed in with _genuine_ enthusiasm. However, looking over at his partner who was currently so shocked at the man's affirmative response that the only thing the boy could do was gawk at him in silent outrage, Tsuzuki quickly sobered. Adopting a more fatherly, authoritative tone, he turned his attention to the girl. "Uh, I mean no. Most certainly not…" He crossed his arms over his chest, and Mary's pout deepened as she sat back down on her bed. "Because that would be wrong." Tsuzuki watched for Hisoka's approval out of the corner of his eye.

"I'm still mad at you," he said shortly as he plopped back down on his bed.

Forgetting about the girl, Tsuzuki laid down next to his partner again. "I didn't do anything, but be mad if you want to." Immune to Hisoka's moods, Tsuzuki was unaffected by the harsh tone and hugged the boy tightly from behind, snuggling into the soft blonde hair of his partner's nape.

Hisoka sighed, defeated by the warmly affectionate cuddling, and was about to turn around and make sure that he and Tsuzuki didn't go to bed mad at each other, when he noticed Mary watching them with one voyeuristic eye over her pillow. "Go to bed, you pervert!" He chucked another pillow at her.

By the time he got to bed that night, he had no pillows left to sleep with.

To Be Continued…

Well... Did you like it? Drop me a review and let me know what I'm doing right and/or wrong -smiles-


	3. Chapter 3

**Replies to Reviews:**

**Rev: **Thanks! Your encouragement and comments are always super-appreciated -smiles-

**Rhea Logan:** I'm so happy to get a positive response on the ff. net viewing… I was a little nervous about how that would be received, so your comments mean a lot to me. Thanks! -smiles-

**Experimental: **Oh! Thank you so much for the detailed review -smiles- (and I _adore_ the expression "spot on" -smiles-) I also have an aversion to established Tsusoka, but I felt that I had to do it for this fic, so it means a lot to me to know that you believe it works well in this fic -smiles-

**Feythamaat: **Thanks so much! -smiles- (And don't worry; someone who wouldn't want to watch isn't a true Tsusoka fan, anyways:P -smiles-)

**jennamarie: **Ask and you shall receive: I give you 'the Muraki chapter' (and, it seems, some actual plot -smiles-)

**a random person: **You're very welcome, and thank you much -smiles-

**Hazel-Beka: **Thank you… both of you -smiles- Here's the update!

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Death To Ms. Sue

Angel of the Eclipse

**Chapter 3: Something About Mary**

After one very annoying night in a hotel room, Hisoka and Tsuzuki woke up to find that Mary Sue had amazingly solved the case in her sleep. Apparently it had all been explained to her in a dream, because, of course, she was also a dream-seer. Therefore, they were going to the abandoned warehouse that she had found out (though her dream) that an evil doctor was currently being evil and doctor-ish.

"To the warehouse!" Mary Sue declared confidently as she elected herself the leader of their group.

Tsuzuki noticed with a bemused start that, for the first time ever, Hisoka's features visibly brightened at the prospect of running into Muraki.

"We'll need directions," Mary said determinedly as she pounded a fist into her palm triumphantly. "This guy looks friendly…" On the streets of a random city in Kyushu, she walked over to a scruffy-looking man who was sitting at a bus stop, rocking back and forth and staring into space as he mumbled something about the government and UFOs under his breath. His bristly grayish bread and dark eyes made his pale face look even more gaunt and sickening.

"Are you sure we shouldn't ask someone else?" Tsuzuki stepped protectively between Hisoka and the crack-deprived derelict, allowing Mary as much room as she whished. Hisoka smiled behind Tsuzuki's shoulder; he was more than happy to let Mary try her luck with the asylum escapee.

"Don't worry, I'm incredibly street smart. I speak the language of the locals." Mary Sue smiled proudly as she walked up to the drooling, bug-eyed man. "What up, dude?" She started to coolly bop her head to the tempo of the man's rocking. "I ain't no narc, but my ass will bust your cap, straight up!" Mary Sue confidently belted out the mutilated slang as Tsuzuki and Hisoka watched in horror and confusion at what she called 'local language.' "Me and my bros need a shizzle for nizzle. You digging my bark, beotch?" She made some gestures with her hands that looked like she was flipping the guy off upside down.

Tsuzuki quickly grabbed the inept girl when the man turned his head to focus his eccentrically beady eyes on the still wildly gesturing female. "Sorry to bother you, sir" Tsuzuki said hurriedly, quickly stepping back as the wild man hissed at the girl with a toothless mouth.

"The nerve of that guy!" Mary huffed as Hisoka and Tsuzuki exchanged glances of happy-to-be-alive and guided Mary Sue down the sidewalk in the opposite direction of the bus stop. "Don't worry," she sighed, and Hisoka shivered at the ominous smile that was reforming on her lips. "I have a special form of 'locator magic.' I created it myself, because I'm so talented. Uh… This way!"

Since she also had an excellent sense of direction, they were at the warehouse in about 5 minutes and Hisoka shivered at the thought of the hotel that they were staying at was only 5 minutes away from the warehouse that Muraki was apparently staying at.

Opening the large doors that gave a tremendous squeak, they spotted the doctor immediately, seeing as how he stuck out like an extremely sore thumb clad in white against the dank and dirt of the abandoned building. The two Shinigami gaped stupidly at the meager setup the doctor now had.

Muraki had his trusty "Mad Scientists Companion: Traveling Molecular Biology Chemistry Set: Cloning Edition" set up in the corner of the warehouse. It had apparently come out of a small yellow case that had a huge 'Biohazard' sticker on it. The doctor looked unaffectedly up to Tsuzuki's shocked face "Not as elegant as my last setup, I know, but seeing as how you blew up my laboratory in Kyoto, and I never bought Shikigami coverage on my insurance, this is where I am for the time being." Muraki gracefully waved his elegant hand at the dark surroundings.

Mary stepped forward, staring entranced at the doctor.

Upon noticing the girl, Muraki gave an annoyed sigh.

Slowly walking the rest of the distance up to him, she ignored the foul-looking liquids that filled beakers, the oddly benign odors his experiment was emitting, and the easy-listening station that his radio was set to. "You are such a beautiful man!" She stopped a mere foot in front of him, apparently forgetting about her Tsuzuki-infatuation.

"Why, thank you," He smiled charmingly as he turned off his E-Z Bake Oven before his hydrochloric acid boiled over, and then regarded the girl seriously. "But I think you might be malfunctioning." He eyed her contemplatively, and then shrugged as he continued to himself, "It's a pity, I haven't been able to create a single one that lasts very long."

"What do you mean?" she asked with innocently dimwitted wonderment as her fascination turned to suspicion. "Do I know you?"

Muraki smiled warmly. "I made you. But no, you don't know me." He paused a moment and furrowed his unnaturally silver eyebrows. "Before I could introduce myself after your animation here in this warehouse, you threw a beaker of deionized water at me and yelled 'Super Sonic Hydro Attack!'...It was quite vexing," he recalled disconcertedly as he tapped his chin.

"What?" she asked in a scandalized tone. Suddenly the doctor wasn't nearly as attractive to her and she backed away a step.

"Wait" Hisoka's features sobered in mild contemplation as a thought struck him. "Do you mean you made her the person she is today, or you made her… like a pie?"

Muraki thought on it for a moment and then replied with a serious nod, "Pie would be the closer explanation, I suppose."

"Wow…" Tsuzuki's features fell into awe, and amazement. "That's the worst plan you've ever thought up." His mouth hung open moronically from the shock over his rival's latest scheme.

Oblivious to anyone that was not conversing about what she wanted to talk about, Mary rudely blurted out in her worry for herself, "What do you mean you 'made' me?"

A look of 'weren't you paying attention' shadowed Muraki's features before he smiled maliciously and said "Don't you wonder, girl, why you are so uncreative, unoriginal, far-fetched, and overly perfect to the point where people vomit a little if they so much as hear you name?" Muraki grabbed the girl's little wrist and held her firmly in place. "It is because…" The doctor drove his index finger straight into her ear, making the _real_ Shinigami empathetically flinch with disgust at the squishing sound the action caused. "…It is because you have no brain!" And true to his word, when Muraki pulled the finger back out it was covered in a lumpy, brownish colored glop. He watched the girl indifferently as she stared, horrified, at the substance that resided within her skull. She was completely oblivious to the fact that she just had a finger jabbed into her head and was still alive.

Hisoka seemed to be the first of the observers to find his voice again, and offered his own intelligent assessment. "Ew! Gross!"

Tsuzuki was suddenly ecstatic at what they had just found out and he beamed delightedly at Hisoka "See! She's Muraki-made! It wasn't my fault I fell in love with her in chapter one! It must have been some spell that Muraki put on her to make me--"

Hisoka whacked him hard on the head. "Idiot! We're not supposed to know we're in a story." He continued in a more defeated tone, "But other than that, you're right. I suppose you're forgiven."

Deciding against pushing his luck and pointing out that Hisoka actually owed _him_ an apology, Tsuzuki grabbed up his shorter partner in an affectionate hug as Hisoka turned his attention back to their third member and the doctor.

There were now several yards of adequate battle space in between the two psychos as they stared each other down. "You, my dear, are a Mary Sue. Created for the sole purpose of bringing Meifu down from the inside."

"That's a lie!" She quivered in her frustrated anger. "I am NOT a Mary Sue!"

"Honestly, denying it only makes it worse," Muraki mildly scolded her, waving a glove-clad finger disapprovingly.

"Liar!" Mary shook with rage "Gloria! Super Flame Blast Tornado Explosion Attack!" she screamed, pointing dramatically at the intended target.

Gloria looked up at the girl with one fox-brow raised in question. _'Idiot, you made that attack up, didn't you?'_ he said in fox language, but since Mary Sue couldn't talk to animals, it just sounded like mewling squeaks to her.

"What did he say?" Muraki asked with a knowing smile that made her erratic shaking intensify with furious denial.

From the sidelines, Hisoka gestured angrily at the pair locked in combat. "How did those two manage to steal the spotlight?"

Tsuzuki and Hisoka sat on the floor dejectedly, with no clear idea of which side to root for. Not wanting to waste time trying to figure it out, Tsuzuki started peppering little butterfly kisses down his partner's neck.

"Stop that!" Hisoka tried to halt his partner's advances as he eyed his grimy surroundings, and his two most hated people fighting in the distance.

"Come on, it's plenty dark in here. And Mary's been interrupting us every time we get close," Tsuzuki whined with an adorable pout that was much more attractive than Mary's pouts.

Hisoka relented, finding nothing wrong with his partner's logic. It really had been an annoying few days with sabotage-happy girl lurking around every corner whenever he felt frisky. Now, with both his old enemy and his latest enemy currently locked in mortal combat with one another, it seemed like the perfect opportunity to get indecent.

Hisoka shrugged. "Sure, why not. Nothing else has made much sense lately." Hisoka jumped his surprised, but hyper-eager partner.

"Are you sure lemons are allowed here?" Tsuzuki asked as he quickly and aggressively tried to expose more of his partner's skin so he could cover it in wet kisses, marking his territory in saliva.

"Don't worry, we'll censor the good bits," Hisoka said as the past several days of mojo-suppression where forcing his teenaged libido into an assertive overdrive, and they where soon both wrestling on the warehouse floor, fighting aggressively for the seme's position…

"That's it…!" Mary's expression turned murderous "… MOON PRISIM POWER!" Mary Sue's clothes instantly transformed into a slutty, yet colorful, little sailor girl outfit, which her impeccably shaped female body filled perfectly.

Muraki raised an unimpressed eyebrow "Wrong anime, idiot."

"No, its not!" Mary growled like an angry child and struck a pompous pose. "I just happen to have a magic bond with the Sailor Scouts. I can call upon their magic at anytime!"

"You _can't_ use their power," Muraki stated factually as he crossed his arms across his chest, preparing for the verbal battle to end all verbal battles.

"Can too! How do you explain the outfit Mr. Smarty Pants?" she snarled and put her fists hard on her pleated skirt-clad hips.

"You were wearing it under your clothes… you just ripped off your other outfit," he replied with calculated coolness.

"How dare you…" Maliciousness coated every syllable, though a small speck of despair was staring to shimmer through the air around her, vibrating with unruly power.

Muraki smirked. "Admit it," he said coolly. "You don't have that kind of power, you wear contacts, dye your hair, and if you really could talk to animals you would now that Gloria is a guy."

…Not wanting to be the uke on the warehouse floor, Hisoka was getting increasingly worried as he was losing the 'keep your pants on longer than Tsuzuki' game. Though, when he lost altogether, he was happy to note that he had ended up on Tsuzuki's huge, ever-present trench coat that had been discarded during the rather violent foreplay… Though, Hisoka was even happier when his mate quickly dipped his head between the boy's thighs…

Gasping in worry at the last accusation, Mary looked down at her Shikigami who was nodding in agreement with the doctor's comment. "But… but Gloria is so fluffy, and mint colored…" Her resolve was breaking along with her voice as the pain of getting repeatedly slapped hard in the face by reality started to sink in. He eyes widened fearfully as she watched her uncontrollable, violently shaking body.

"You were never meant to exist." Muraki picked up a large blue container from his biohazard case as he eyed his prey hungrily.

…Swallowing deeply before declaring happily through glossy lips "My turn!" Tsuzuki took the convenient advantage of an afterglow-weakened partner, swinging the small, pleasure-dizzied body around, raising unresisting legs onto his shoulders. Hisoka let out a startled yelp when Tsuzuki suddenly slammed…

Knees quivering, she sunk to the ground. "No, don't." He voice was growing increasingly weaker as she fought to speak against her ferocious quivering,

Muraki continued his verbal assault regardless of her pleas. "The entire fandom despises you. You're not meant for this world." He saw her small body shaking erratically and smirked pompously.

"Don't… Please stop!" She grabbed her head painfully, the pounding growing more intense.

Readying his container of sweet-smelling liquid, the doctor smiled predatorily at his inevitable victory. "You don't belong here and you never will!"

She clutched her head tightly as she began to shake uncontrollably "Stop! Noooooooo!"

… Harder, sweatier, stickier, noisier, fiercer, faster, stronger, and quickly losing any semblance of pattern, the intense spasmodic pleasure mounted inside them both until…

"Aaarrggghhhhhhhhhhh!" was the final earth-shattering cry that echoed throughout the warehouse as Muraki chucked the contents of the container at the girl, sending a slimy substance flying across the small battlefield and landing all over Mary Sue, covering her in a thin, sticky film of transparently pink, flower-scented liquid that sizzled on contact.

Tsuzuki fell, from lack of energy, atop Hisoka, squishing his little partner as the boy felt around angrily for his pants underneath the dead weight of his partner.

Starting to pull his clothes back on as quickly as he could, Hisoka watched the still-screaming girl go into rabidly intense convulsions while coated in the flower-scented pink slime Muraki had thrown on her. Pushing his still flushed and plenty heavy partner off of himself, he prepared for the worst as the air thickened and reverberated with unstable energy as he noticed Muraki carelessly chuck a lit match at Mary Sue.

Hisoka had barely gotten his pants back on when that blood curdling scream of "Aaarrggghhhhhhhhhh!" that had been ripping its way out of Mary Sue's mouth started to falter and break up into ominous, chill-inducing chokes as the slimy pink liquid that Muraki had doused her with very slowly began to catch fire. The room still quaking with volatile energy, Mary Sue's convulsions became terribly erratic and her skin was literally crawling over her body.

In the next second, Hisoka shielded his eyes as Mary Sue exploded instantly from a mix of skin weakening fire and the impact of the intensely malicious but altogether true lecture Muraki had given her.

Mary Sue's body burst into a million little pieces, sending small bits of her flying in every direction. Hisoka, unfortunately, caught the brunt of the maelstrom of flying chunks of flesh and was thrown on his back by the force and amount of slop that hit him.

"Hisoka!" Tsuzuki was over his sex daze and looking down at his partner with over abundant Tsuzuki-worry before the last of the Mary-chunks had even hit the ground.

"Ew!" Hisoka sat up shakily, trying to pull the chunky slop from his hair and face. "What the hell? Is this… oatmeal?" Hisoka asked disgustedly, while unattractively spitting bits of Mary out of his mouth.

After zipping up and making himself decent, Tsuzuki stuck his finger in the goo on his partner's still shirtless chest and tasted it, smacking his lips together at the gooey texture and making a sour face. "It _is_ oatmeal… with raisins," Tsuzuki confirmed in wonderment but then added with forced brightness when he noticed Hisoka didn't seem very comforted by that fact, "Don't worry! Oatmeal is good for your skin."

Hisoka just looked even more shocked and revolted. "It used to be a person, you idiot!"

"Not really…" Tsuzuki started with calm stubbornness "You honestly can't convince me that a person like that actually exists…" Tsuzuki's expression immediately became surprised with a sudden epiphany "Of course! Oatmeal!" Tsuzuki internally cheered himself for his deduction then turned back to Hisoka as he continued meaningfully, "The most bland, unappealing, flavorless, crap-tastic food of all time! It was the most perfect thing to construct Mary Sue out of!" His smile was happily mischievous as he rubbed his chin at the doctor's devious plan.

Hisoka looked at him with an unimpressed expression, but wasn't about to argue the logic that, in all actually, sounded quite plausible.

"Dammit!" Came an annoyed voice from the corner near the Traveling Chemistry Set, and the two half-naked Shinigami looked over and saw Muraki dripping with the same girl-turned-breakfast-meal that was scattered all over the warehouse. The doctor growled at the slop that covered his favorite suit, daring it to get any messier.

"Wait," Tsuzuki called over to Muraki. "What did you do to her?" Tsuzuki was amazed at how both he and Hisoka had not managed to come up with a way to get ride of Mary Sue, but Muraki saw her for no more than 10 minutes and he had reduced her threat level to that of rolled oats.

"Obviously, I weakened her with truthful insults." Muraki started in an annoyed tone over his shoulder as he began to gather his things to leave. "I then covered her in the most flammable fluid that came with my mini-chemistry set, and then set her on fire. Everyone knows that insults and flames kill a Mary Sue." Muraki quickly threw a few pieces of equipment in his yellow biohazard case, before angrily whipping a rather large lump of goo from his collar. "And this was my last clean white suit! And I _know_ I'm out of Oxyclean, how infuriating!" He instantly vanished in an aggravated puff of white swirls and feathers.

Tsuzuki stared perplexedly the place that Muraki had just disappeared from, still looking very confused. "That… makes sense, I guess." His features twisted in puzzlement, causing a deep frown in his normally happy brow; it was obvious that 'contemplative' didn't suit Tsuzuki's face very well. "Does this mean that the case is solved?" He looked hopefully at his smaller partner.

Hisoka sighed, rubbing his forehead in annoyance "I'm not even sure I knew what this case was about to begin with. Lets just get back." His sentence was followed by a faint 'pop' sound, as they both vanished into thin air.

To Be Concluded…

There's only one more chapter after this, so be sure to get that review in while you still can -smiles- -puppy eyes- -smiles-


	4. Chapter 4

**Replies to Reviews: **

**jennamarie**: Thank you much, sweets -smiles-

**Rhea** **Logan**: o.O Now that's an impressive review -giggle- thanks so much, hun -smiles-

**Nefi**: That's the most interesting review I've ever received…

**PJ** **Zatken**: I'm so happy that this fic was good enough to make you disregard library social norms -smiles- And super thanks for reviewing both ch2 and ch3 -smiles-

**ThePerpetuallyAnnoyedYukiEiri**: As requested by that THROUGHLY AWESOME review, here's the finally chapter -smiles- And thanks for catching the parallels -smiles- P.S. I _do_ write full-scale lemons o.O But they're all unfinished and setting on my hard drive… Keep an eye out for them on ff .net, one of them will most likely be my next story out (pray that I can overcome my bashfulness -smiles-)

**kaitou**-**marron**: Thank you so much -smiles- I'm glad to know the crudeness is appropriate -smiles-

**Neko Kate-chan**:-nervous smiles- A note on the dreamseeing: I in no way did I intend to make anyone think that the dream-seeing OC, Akimiya, from 'Live Through' by Kouri Arashi was a Marty Sam (I LOVED that series -smiles- -smiles-) I was trying to humbly show how a Mary Sue's powers are not original, and just borrowed ideas with no good back story (Hinoto, from X/1999, was my muse for the dreamseer thing -smiles-)

**Carnations of Shame**: I agree -smiles- And that's why I wrote this -smiles- Thanks for reviewing, hun!

Thank you to ALL my reviewers, you guys have been great! -smiles-

* * *

**Death To Ms. Sue**

Angel of the Eclipse

**Chapter 4: Epilogue:**

Back in Meifu, and alone in the Shokan break room, Hisoka scowled as Tsuzuki immediately crossed the break room and went for the surplus of old chocolate doughnuts on the table that had accumulated for three days in the man's absence. Tsuzuki had no qualms about eating the ones with little owl bite marks in them, but made certain to avoid the speciously green chocolate doughnut that he was sure the bird's master had gotten to.

Forming words between masticated chocolate pastries, Tsuzuki said, "I'd better be getting paid for that case." He frowned in preemptive annoyance of Tatsumi finding something to deduct from his pay. "Nothing got blown up this time…" he told the mildly interested Hisoka before the man's defensive frown turned to a mildly disturbed pout of realization. "Well, except a person…" He shrugged and his tone became suddenly wistful as he distractedly rested a doughnut-crumbed cheek on his doughnut-crumbed hand in reflection. "You know, she really wasn't that bad…"

Hisoka, who had been writing on the dry erase board that they were back from their mission, dropped the smelly marker, and furiously swung around to face his partner. "Did your brain cells fall out? Yes, she was _that bad_!" Hisoka flared with familiar jealous anger, completely forgetting that he had ever forgiven Tsuzuki for falling in love with her. "She messed up our entire night at the hotel, and it was a nice hotel!" His shout was turning into an extremely loud, commanding whine. "She even messed up the lemon in the previous chapter." Hisoka ignored the fact that he had already cuffed Tsuzuki in the third chapter for mentioning that they were in a story.

"Hey! You're right!" Tsuzuki's attitude suddenly mirrored the extreme upset of his smaller partner. "I could have been doing you this whole time!" He threw his hands up in the air in exasperation as Hisoka sat down across from him at the small table. They wore matching anger-induced pouts from their shared Mary Sue trauma as they stared down the remaining green doughnut, both wondering why they didn't just ask Watari to _accidentally_ blow her up in a lab explosion to began with.

His flippant mind floating to an even better topic, Tsuzuki smiled as something he saw beyond the doughnut gave him an idea. "We may not have the hotel room anymore, but we still have the break room table!" Tsuzuki's stood up eagerly over the table with a suggestive eyebrow raised as he charismatically swatted the abnormally colored doughnut out of the way.

Hisoka stroked his brow agitatedly in remembrance of their all to recent encounter with Mary. "Lets just be happy it's all over." Still mostly covered in oatmeal, horny was presently _not_ on Hisoka's 'I feel…' list.

"Come on," Tsuzuki whined… pouted, whimpered, moaned, cried, mewled, frowned, sulked, whined some more, groaned, moped, growled, grunted, and knit his brow.

Hisoka rolled his eyes.

However, it was hard for the virile teen to compete with Tsuzuki's immense surplus of hot-and-bothered energy whipping across his empathy, so Hisoka caved after a particularly suggestive groan from his partner. Giving the room a quick once-over, Hisoka made sure that there was nothing around that was alive and larger than 003. He slowly uncrossed the antisocial arms he had previously folded over his chest and turned back to regard Tsuzuki seriously from across the table. "Is the door locked?" The boy's eyes were getting that ready-for-sex-glaze, and he awaited his answer as he nervously nibbled at his thumb in his mounting eager tension.

Tsuzuki smiled, taking Hisoka's question as enthusiastic compliance and pounced across the table, landing fluidly atop his freshly floored partner, whispering throatily in his ear, "Of course it is-" And at that moment, the door flew wide open, revealing Tatsumi grumbling irately at a folder in his lean hands.

Hisoka instantly turned his deceitful partner into a human wrecking ball as he shoved the older man off himself so hard that Tsuzuki's body made an audible cracking noise as it hit the concrete wall on the opposite side of the room.

Temporarily forgetting his troublesome folder in favor of curiously taking in the scene he walked in on, Tatsumi raised one of his noble-born eyebrows at the blushing boy covered in a slimy translucent goo on the floor and the man going into shock from loss of blood due to a large head wound in the corner.

With a slight, nervous start Tatsumi deduced that the paired had reached a compromise in their previous 'no inappropriate touching in the work place' fight. "Sorry…" He started hesitantly, and tried his best to not sound like the jealous ex-lover that Hisoka's empathy was currently pegging him for. "I thought I wouldn't be bothered in here because everyone's scared of that green doughnut… They think it's Watari's" His forced casual tone did little to mask the obvious fluster in his voice. "Um, but it's actually just really old." He finished lamely, at a loss for what to say.

Trying to compose himself as he stood up stiffly, Hisoka was currently too embarrassed to be bothered with the fact that Tatsumi's ambivalent emotions of acceptance and longing were doing somersaults, cartwheel, flips, and other floor exercises across his empathy. The boy was currently too busy ravenously gathering any spare dignity that he could find lying around the room.

Trying to change the topic of the flustered couple alone in the break room, Hisoka nosily cleared the apprehension form his throat. "You seem upset, Tatsumi-san, is something wrong?" The boy mentally growled at his own voice for being an entire octave higher than he would have liked. He quickly hid his everything-embarrasses-me blush by turning his back to the room, walking to the espresso machine and started to make the worlds slowest prepared cup of coffee.

"Yes… something is wrong." Tatsumi started a little apprehensively, but was ultimately happy to be on a more business-like topic. He re-adopted his normally cool manner, and started to look as pompous and overly powerful as ever. "The whole office is in an uproar." He angrily knit his brow in classic frustration of his department. "They think I'm in the process of replacing some of them." He waved the folder around angrily, as though he was trying to shake off an annoyance that was stuck to his hand.

"Why think that would they?" Tsuzuki asked half-conscious, sitting up haphazardly as his healing abilities started to make more blood cells for him and patch up the hole in his head from which the old ones were all escaping.

Tatsumi cringed as he tried to continue the conversation over the disturbing sight of his former partner's skull reforming. Luckily, he turned away from the sight before he had a chance to vomit, and regarded the folder in his hands, remembering the trouble it put him through. Swallowing several times, he re-re-adopted his business poise and continued. "We just got another application for a Shinigami position that doesn't even exist." He vigorously massaged the bridge of his frustrated nose.

Still slightly dazed as he got up to walk over to Hisoka, Tsuzuki ate the green, but apparently safe (just old to the point of changing colors) doughnut he had located on the floor while his brain was mending.

"What's her name?" Hisoka's stomach instantly twisted in a maliciously ominous cramp at the thought of babysitting another Mary Sue and he instantly regretted taking a sip of the bitter, black concoction he had been creating in the corner. His tummy lurched even more as he noticed the gangrenous doughnut being consumed by a mouth he had been very intimate with.

Tatsumi exhaled. "Actually it's a guy…" Tsuzuki and Hisoka sighed their relief in unison, but the boy suddenly sprayed a mouthful of black coffee (turning the green pastry a healthy chocolate brown again) as Tatsumi continued ominously with a 'dun, dun, DUN!' expression on his face, "a guy named… Marty Sam."

Tsuzuki patted his partner's back comfortingly, as the choking boy desperately battled with the coffee that was now denying him usage of his nasal cannels. "I'll go get the fabric softener."

**The End**

_Be a dear and review before this story gets lost in FF.N's archive -smiles-_


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